Health Department FactSheet No.67(a) – Tim Sinclair

Poems are bloodsucking parasites. There are many species in Australia, including several that target humans.

Poems have four distinct stages of development: bothersome thought; lost napkin jotting; failed first draft; final copy. They must have a blood meal from a host between each stage of development.

After the blood meal they drop off the host and rest while redrafting into the next stage. The whole cycle usually takes one grant round.

While most poem bites cause few symptoms, they are occasionally a threat to human health. Poetic paralysis is caused by a toxin contained in the poem’s saliva. Symptoms include existential angst, grandiose delusions, and a general inability to deal with the real world.

On return from a known poetry-infested area, you should carefully check all members of your party. To avoid bringing poetry into the house, you should remove all items of clothing before re-entering your dwelling and burn them on a pyre in your backyard, built specifically for this purpose (refer FactSheet No.67(b)). Ceremonial chanting may expedite the process.

Despite their limited mobility, poems are remarkably persistent. If you are reading this FactSheet in a group right now, stop, look around. By nightfall, statistically speaking, at least twenty percent of you will be carriers.

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